When a banker returns to his southern hometown of Mulberry Virginia to make amends with his Leukemia stricken first love, he must overcome his stress and depression.
Dave I like the vocabulary that you used, the "Leukemia stricken" first love really caught my attention. Maybe you can elaborate on what you mean by "fix things" with his first love. Other then that I think your script sounds really good! It leaves me wondering.
Yo D, I like the fact that you used a bit of setting to give the readers some perspective as to not only where your story but also what the protagonist is going to do once he arrives at the setting. It definately gives me an idea of what this story would involve, but at the same time I want to know more about this so-called banker.
Dave I like the vocabulary that you used, the "Leukemia stricken" first love really caught my attention. Maybe you can elaborate on what you mean by "fix things" with his first love. Other then that I think your script sounds really good! It leaves me wondering.
ReplyDeleteI also like the vocabulary you use, but the last line feels separate from the first. I like the imagery that your logline inspires.
ReplyDeleteYo D, I like the fact that you used a bit of setting to give the readers some perspective as to not only where your story but also what the protagonist is going to do once he arrives at the setting. It definately gives me an idea of what this story would involve, but at the same time I want to know more about this so-called banker.
ReplyDeleteHey David,
ReplyDeleteWhere is your revised? Please number your blog entries to help me find things in here.
The content is wonderful but there are a few grammar issues: love-stricken can be hyphenated and there should be a comma between a city and a state.
Other than that, it is well-written. Great work!
Ms. B